Sarah Chase is a woman of depth. Her desire to love the Lord is all encompassing. God has gifted her with much. One gift is putting her thoughts on paper. She has given permission to share one of her posts from her blog, http://teacupstalk.blogspot.com. The following is an excerpt. Thank you sweet Sarah. ~Lisa
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It hurts… what does? Everything. Where? Everywhere. And when people ask if they can help, you just gasp, “No.” …
…I struggled with depression for four years after my family moved to another town. I was 13 and my world, my comfort zone, changed when I moved. Making friends was hard, I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t feel pursued. I didn’t feel wanted or desired by others, so hurt and neglect ensnared me in a web of doubt, despair and ultimately depression. I just wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, outgoing enough, hardworking enough, funny enough, popular enough… enough. I wasn’t enough and for some reason, no matter how much encouragement I got from people, or how much some people tried to love me, there was this block that wouldn’t allow any light in. Pain and feeling sorry for myself became my identity, and it almost hurt more when people tried to cheer me up because that hurt, that pain, had become so integral to my being, that I didn’t know who I was without it. The moment when I was most depressed was when I kept putting off going to bed every night. I would stay up until 12, 1, 2 and then 3… wondering why I was still awake, and then I would realize. The longer I’m awake, the more I can put off facing tomorrow. Because in my head, I knew that once I fell asleep, tomorrow would be here before I knew it and I would have to wake up. I would have to get out of bed and I would have to face the day, regardless of my wanting to hide from it. And if you’ve never struggled with depression before, or known what it feels like… that’s a depiction of what it can look like for some.
This is what depression does. It seeps in, sometimes without our even being aware of how it happens. It’s a poison that slowly percolates into our brains and makes us sick. Yes, sick. And some of us have to live our whole lives with this sickness figuring out how we’re going to wake up every day.
But friends… this isn’t the end. I’m not writing this for others to feel sorry for me or for those who struggle with depression, because if I’m being honest, I couldn’t be more thankful for my depression. The darkness is what brought me to Christ and the darkness is what keeps me coming back to Him, day in and day out, needing His compassion. Because the insidious thing about depression, the problem with pain and despair, is that they strip away hope. The future becomes dark and bleak. The isolation and silence is deafening. There seems to be no end in sight…
… John Mark McMillan once said, “It’s like, it doesn’t honor God to pretend like everything is OK. That’s the beauty of Jesus that so many people miss. The beauty is that He died on the cross for our sins, but also that he existed the way we exist. He understands what it’s like to lose a friend. He’s not unfamiliar with those emotions. He’s not unfamiliar with the difficulty of human life. To me that’s what makes Jesus as God beautiful. He totally understands. He went out of His way to prove to us that he understands our situation. So when He has something to say, it’s not coming from this high and lofty standpoint. It’s coming from this person who understands intricately the perils of human existence.”…
…So… while this is the problem with pain, with depression – that it hurts, that it is very real, numbing and gut wrenching – this is also the breathtaking beauty of pain; that Christ would come embody human form, to understand our pain and take our struggle upon Himself so that one day we could live in perfect holiness, unity and joy with Him.
This is our hope, if we only wait patiently, day by day trusting on Him with our pain.
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I learn from Sarah as she courageously exposes her vulnerability. Do you have a trustworthy person(s) to share your struggles? If not, we invite you to seek someone safe. And, we are here to help. ~Journey